Turning a Non-Gamer into a Gamer: An Illustrated Guide

Do you have a loved one who deeply embarrasses you for doing things with their lives that don’t involve video games? Does it make you sick in your stomach? Does it make you consider them a hated a? Most importantly, do you want them to stop being like that? I can help.

Through years and years of knowing what a video game is and explaining to frightened elderly people why people enjoy simulating virtual showering with their dad, I figured it out. What is ‘it’, you ask? Well, I’ve come up with the surefire ways to turn anyone into a gamer.

People on this horrible rotten planet will tell you that “video games aren’t for everyone,” but that’s a lie. They lie to you and frankly that is unacceptable. Gaming can be for everyone, and will be for everyone. I’ll take care of that.

So you want to get your friends and family into gaming, but you have no idea where to start. Of course, you can recommend them your favorite game or even recommend a game you think they would like. YOU could be do so, but are you prepared for the potential disappointment of subjective opinions? Probably not!

I’ve made this list of things to do that will absolutely, without a doubt, make anyone a gamer. The easy road is open to failure, but the hard road is worth every second of embarrassment.

Hit them Godfather Horse Head style

Turning a Non-Gamer into a Gamer: An Illustrated Guide
Image: Ruby Innes/Kotaku Australia

What is the most important thing The godfather taught us? It is of course true that a horse head in bed can send any desired message.

Since a real horse head is a bit extreme and probably illegal, I wouldn’t recommend that if you want to turn someone into a gamer. Placing an Xbox Series X next to the target in bed while they sleep could potentially send them subliminal sleep messages about how much they like video games. If they didn’t, why would they be next to an Xbox Series X?

Waking up next to it is perfect too, as it’s the first thing they see at the start of the day and the last thing they think about when they go to sleep. If they throw it away, just put it back the next morning. You may need to do this a few times before it sticks.

Incorporate games into their eating habits

Turning a Non-Gamer into a Gamer: An Illustrated Guide
Image: Ruby Innes/Kotaku Australia

Food is an essential part of life. If you don’t eat food, you die! I learned this from Animal Planet.

Keeping in mind that we all eat, and that you want this to be the same mindset for the target when it comes to video games, why not combine the two? Make the target a sandwich and place a physical copy of it Horizon: Forbidden West in there. Cook up a stew and throw in some Nintendo Switch cartridges. Deep fry an Xbox Kinect. The options are endless!

The only downside to this is that most of these gaming peripherals taste bad. My advice would be to find a way to numb the target’s taste buds. Once a game is in your stomach, the thought of gaming will be tasty!

Replace their distraction with gaming

Turning a Non-Gamer into a Gamer: An Illustrated Guide
Image: Ruby Innes/Kotaku Australia

This is probably the hardest, depending on what the distraction is.

You want the target to have video games at the forefront of their minds. In saying that, there are a lot of things people would naturally put first over gaming. Family, friends, survival needs, physical activity, you name it. What you want to do is take that mess away. Borrow the baby and put a Nintendo Switch in the crib. Throw their home gym equipment in an incinerator and replace it with a PS5 camera and Just dance. Every important thing in their life has a superior game alternative.

What makes this one difficult is that your target may not take it well and may dislike you. However, that sounds like one them issue!

Gaslight them

Turning a Non-Gamer into a Gamer: An Illustrated Guide
Image: Ruby Innes/Kotaku Australia

In all the 187 Earth years I’ve spent in this physical form, there’s one important lesson I’ve learned: Lying to the people you love the most can take you far.

If you have a knack for photo editing and emotional manipulation, this is for you. Simply take your target’s family photos and add various video game references to the photos. While the above example of changing someone’s parent characters in classic Nintendo 64 games may seem extreme, sometimes it’s the most extreme option that produces the best results.

Whatever happens, you have to stay strong when they question your lies. A simple “I don’t know what you’re talking about” or even a “How could you not remember your own mother and father” can go a long way. Eventually they will begin to absorb the false memories and love their video game family.

These are just the tried and true moves to make when introducing someone to the video game world, but there are certainly other options available. The important thing is to remember that nothing in this life is more important than playing video games, and that one day all of your favorite video game characters will look directly into the camera, address you by name, and tell you how much they love you.

Or they don’t, and all this advice is piss! You never know.

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